Anyway, coming to my first point you have most likely realized I'm swearing a lot more than usual. There's a few reasons for this, the first being the literature I'm reading at the moment is not afraid to use profanities, but at the same time doesn't overuse them and they've just kinda sunken into my vocabulary. It's fine as long as I don't say something to terrible around my father. Luckily I seem to have a natural filter in my mouth, so when I'm around him I barely slip up. Even if I do I'm at the age where my father doesn't mind as long as I'm not cussing in every sentence. So, yay! I've also noticed that swearing along with masturbating is a great way to get rid of stress. There are plenty of times where a few females in my class will piss me off and I feel much better after going through a few colorful nicknames I have made up for them. I never say them out loud, because that'd be even more troublesome. Honestly, they give me enough of a headache as it is. I'd prefer that they forget about my existence as soon as possible.
Swearing aside this seems to be the school year of 'make the emotionally stunted, shy genderless use all her abysmal people skills to get her life in order'- or MESSGUAHAPSLO. Eh, I'll probably try to come up with something shorter latter. Probably when I'm sitting in school bored out of my mind or just spacing out. Ya, anyway point being I have to do a lot of shit for this year, which bugs me a crap ton, but I know I have to do it for I can no longer rely on my father like a child. Legally I am now an adult and it's about time I started to be more responsible even if that involves talking with people and pretending to be social when in reality I'm thinking of ways to dissect the person in front of me as painfully and slowly as I can. Has anyone else thought of cooking eyes like marshmallows or making them into lollipops? Let's just say I don't lend people my notes anymore. Anyway it's all annoying with learning how to drive, calling banks, doctors and driving instructors, having my matura exams in less than eight months and being called in front during kung fu training to show something to the beginners. Uh, that last one is probably the worst. I was called up twice on Friday and on the outside I might have looked calm, but inside I was a nervous wreck and just wanted the ceiling to suck me up. Shoot me into the sky and then go plop. Maybe land on an unsuspecting annoying twat- yup, that would definitely ruin someones day.
Ok, just came back from a three hour lunch break- no I will not tell you how a one hour lunch break escalated into three, lets just say fanfiction and leave it that- and don't remember what my train of thought was doing, but lets just say the conductor took a day off and there's a circus on board along with a few asylum patient transfers.
Now school started about two weeks ago for me, September first to be exact- a fucking monday!- and the start of the second world war. I always find it hilarious when school starts on the first. School can be a war zone for some kids with all the tests, homework, frickin annoying teachers and don't even get me started on moronic classmates- just no. Anyway, because it's my last official year in high school - fucking finally!!!!! I decided that maybe I should try to be a good student like in my innocent days- ehem jr. high. So maybe if I write down my goals here I just might kick my ass into gear and actually start to study, because if not then I'm screwed. Yay! No, I want to get into the university of my choosing so that I can become a computer programmer and eventually work from home. That is my dream- kind of- at this point in time. So my goal is to have a grade point average of 4.0 at the end of both my semesters! Something I came close to achieving last year in my final semester getting a 3,9. Oh so close. Not that it really matters, my father would be happy, but he's more interested in my Physics and Math grades, because I'll be writing the advanced exams for those subjects along with English (basic and advanced), Polish (basic) and I think that's it. I was thinking about writing the one for computers as well, but I heard it's crazy difficult and I may not be a total slacker in comp. class, but I'm no over achiever either. This means I have to put a shit ton of work into both math and physics (damn that's annoying to spell I keep wanting to write fizyks) which I have not started doing yet. I also have that book assignment to read for polish class and I still haven't touched it yet. It's not that I don't like reading, I just have trouble reading things that other people tell me to read. Also fanfiction. It's taking up way to much of my time, I really have to try to curb that habit. I think that's everything when it comes to school so on to the next subject- driving!
Which I have to say scared the hell out of me the first time I got behind a wheel. I officially started my driving lessons two weeks ago and so far have been doing ok, but it's still over whelming. After every driving lesson I come back with a stress induced headache with me wonder if I'll last till the end. I remember my first lesson where after five minutes of driving back and fourth in the parking lot my driving teacher had me go out on the streets. Lets just say the first thing to go through my mind was "No fucking way, you've got to be Jashin shitting me." Yup, crude language at it's finest folks. I continued to swear profusely in my head while driving on the road, glancing at the mirrors from time to time and trying to remember to switch gears. Ya, did I mention I'm learning how to drive a manual car or stick shift or whatever the heck it's called in english. I didn't do it on purpose, even though I wanted to learn on a manual, but it's still bloody difficult and nerve wracking when your starting the car or drive and you put the wrong gear on and the car turns off. Luckily most drivers know to be careful around the learning cars which tend to have a big blue L sign on top of the car and often on the sides as well. Conveying to other drivers 'Careful there's a high chance that the person behind the wheel barely knows how to drive.' Thank you magic L, thank you. So as you can see I'm having tons of fun learning how to drive.
Now this next topic is not as light hearted as the rest, but it's something I would like to write down so I don't forget it. First a bit of back story, about a week or so ago I had a strange dream. I don't remember all of it, but I remember that my father suddenly died for some strange reason and then a few days after his death my brother passed away as well. Now what shocked me the most was my behavior in my dream I was numb when I heard of there deaths and somewhat in denial, but I never showed any of this on the outside. Outside I looked like I was made of stone which caused my mother to say I was a heartless monster (again). I never shed a tear for them in that dream, even though I care for both of them, all I felt was cold and empty. When I awoke I was a bit surprised at what I had dreamed up, although I easily deducted that it was my fault for the dream, because I was feeling guilty for not spending much time with my father recently before I feel asleep. This strange dream brought up a lot of thoughts that rarely come up, but what frightened me the most was, would I actually not cry at my brothers and fathers funeral? Would I be so stone faced that my mother would call me emotionless (again)? Yes to the last one, but no to the first. I think I would be shocked and I would cry, but that's something I'd prefer to do in the confines of my room- alone. Sure that might be heartless of me, but it's not something I haven't done before (kind of).
When my first grandfather died I was ten and I cried a lot when I found out, but it was mostly in my room when I was alone. I cried a bit in my parents arms to find comfort, but at the funeral I don't remember outright crying like my cousins and younger brother did. I remember being sad that I'd never see him again and I shed a few more tears as I said my last goodbye, but I don't think I cried that heavily there. My memory isn't perfect, but I don't think I'm wrong when it comes to this. I'll have to ask my father when he gets home (if he remembers how I acted then). When my second grandfather died when I was 14 I wasn't surprised he'd been in a partial coma for over a year after he'd gotten hit by a car and as cruel as this might sound I was expecting it. I think I shed a few tears for him, but at the same time I can't be sure if I cried at all. Yes, I'm heartless I'm aware of that, but ever since he was switched to the coma ward it just felt like only his body was left while his spirit had long since left. There was a time where he woke up- a couple of times actually- mostly when my grandmother visited him. Even though he'd awaken he would rarely speak, but he would look at his wife and squeeze her hand. I was privy to this once by chance. My grandmother and I went to visit him while my brother and father went to go find my uncle, who worked at the hospital. My grandfather awoke for a few minutes and held my hand while he stared at me and I looked at his milky blue/green eyes. He gave my hand a tight squeeze before he fell asleep and that was the last time I saw my grandfather, before my grandmother pulled the plug. Even though he died on that day, to me he died the last time I saw him after that last tight squeeze. I shed no tears on that day, but my heart felt heavy as I left the hospital. That is a memory that I will cherish.
All of this self thought brought me to the conclusion that no matter how big of a pain in the ass it may be to watch a boring movie with my father or have to deal with my mother when I call my brother it's worth it. Adding that small memory to my brain, enjoying the happiness on my fathers face as we spend time with each other, either watching a movie or just eating breakfast together or talking about how annoying going to school/work is. Making sure that even though I'm not there for my brother I can still bug him on the phone, because one day someone will be gone. Out of everyone in my family ie: my brother, sister, father and mother I hope I'm the first to die. I'd rather not be called a heartless monster by those around if when it looks as if I'm not mourning, even though on the inside I am. Life is a fickle little thing, isn't it?
Sigh, on that note I think I've gone over everything I've wanted to write about. Meaning I should start studying for my history test on wednesday, but ummm hmmmmm, maybe later. I think I have laundry that I have to do. What do you mean I already did it? Shut up Czapla, no asked for your opinion. Ya, well these aren't the states and you're not even a citizen! Ya, sorry about that he occasionally pops up for no random reason, probably because I don't really have any friends my age.
Oh, I knew I forgot something! Friends I forgot about that wonderful sparkly atomic bomb of doom subject. Did I mention that the unicorns of Atlas mountains most likely control it- no- well now you know. So when I started school this year I made a rule for myself called the 'give up on friends' rule. Yes, yes it sounds harsh, but it's been put in place so that I don't come back depressed from school every single frickin day. ya, I'm done with the emo train. I boarded it, went through all the compartments, couldn't find a seat and promptly exited it while in transit to it's next stop. I fell off a bridge and landed inside a lake with a shit ton of broken bones, but I'm not going back. Those piranha got my ass into gear and fast. Sillyness aside I decided I'm not going to chase after people to try and befriend them, I'll give others a chance, but if they don't want it I'm not gonna try. No point in wasting energy, especially since I don't mind being alone and take pleasure just from looking at a beautiful blue sky or enjoying the wind or sun. That's why I'm done trying. If I make friends cool, if not oh well maybe another time. I'm alright with acquaintances and good books are even better. Or my brother and sister, but they're out of reach at the moment so I have to make do with what I have.
Now on to my final note, don't worry it's pretty short, although I'm surprised you've lasted this long since Czaplas long since fallen asleep on the piano in the corner of my room- silly bird. I spend a lot of time on youtube, just like most teenagers these days. With this comes watching vloggers of all kinds and it makes me wonder if I should start vlogging. I'd most likely still write on here, because I love writing and sometimes its not the same as talking, but I'm curious. I think it'd be fun to start vlogging, but I don't really know how to do it. The thing holding me back the most though is the fear that if I post it on youtube someone that I know will see it and make fun of it, taunting me or just making my life miserable. At the same time I could where a mask or something, but I don't want to hide. it's something I've been thinking about doing for a while, but am at a stagnate as to what to do.
Hm, who knows maybe I'll make up my mind eventually.
See ya around, maybe...
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