During break I flew to Belgium. It wasn't some long boring flight, but two separate short flights. I realized I was almost happy just traveling. Just getting from one place to the other, finding my gates, getting on the plan and just waiting to board it. Thinking about it all the only thing that could explain it was the destination. I couldn't wait to get to Belgium, relax a bit and get away from life, but at the same time I loved getting there. I found myself thinking once I got there- I wish I had one more flight to get on. I wanted the journey to last longer, because it was nice. Slowly making my way towards my goal, passing over hurtles along the way. Then I realized that was a metaphor for life. My journey is me living the everyday, while my destination is deaths embrace. It's so easy to notice, but it doesn't really make living any easier.
For many death is scary, terrifying. All because it's an unknown, but even if our destination is know, isn't it still unknown? For instance when we travel to say China, yes technically we know were it is and can even show me where it's on the map, but you've never been to China. You've never seen the streets, the people. Ok, so you've seen a picture, but that can't show you what all of your senses can show you. You can't smell the rice fields, or feel how wet the dirt is, taste the tea they serve, hear there dialects, or see what shade the sky is. This is something that can't be experienced from a picture. Even if you have been to the destination your going to- there will be changes. Nothing stays the same forever, so it will be again unknown to you- maybe not completely- but still.
Maybe if people knew of what waited for them after death they wouldn't be so afraid. Although sometimes people are more afraid of what they are leaving behind then what they are heading towards. For a while now I've found myself thinking- How would I feel if I died right now?What would be my biggest regret?- Most of the time I find myself honestly not minding the fact that I could die at that moment and my biggest regret tends to be sorrow. Sorrow for the poor soul that finds my body. I don't have many things I'll be leaving behind- a broken family and a few close friends. I know that at first they would grieve, but then they'd get over it and learn to move on. I wish to say a few things to those people, but I shall do that another time. Next time I'll write my testament.
So yes, I realized that at this moment if I faced death I don't think I'd hesitate to embrace it. Does that make me suicidal? I don't think so, I think I've slowly gotten passed that. I'm not looking to end my life- although I still have my deadline- I'm just taking one step at a time. This is where my next trouble comes along. My every day, day to day life. (Too many day's in that sentence, makes me cringe, sorry about that.)
Anyway my regular life is kind of bad, I guess. Not bad as in I'm doing terrible in school, constantly getting in trouble and stuff. No, bad as in there's a lot of things that seem to be out of my control and I can't seem to bring myself to care about certain things. Things I've stopped caring about are my math grades, as long as I'm passing I couldn't give a bigger shit. My teacher doesn't seem to understand that though and continues to pester me. The annoying cazzo. I feel as if I'm losing control over my body though, like I'm struggling with it. I keep eating way too much and a lot of unhealthy things. Today alone I've had a bar and a half of chocolate, a whole chocolate bar and half of another if that's unclear, sorry. Along with that I had two big helpings of ice cream. Today I finished a tub of ice cream that I got Sunday, it was 2,5 liters. My eating habits are just everywhere and I don't know what to do! I'm not going to buy ice cream again and the chocolate was given to me by my grandmothers friend and I just kind of ate it all. God, I'm pathetic. I should have just thrown it out! My self control is in the toilet. I keep trying to be better, but it all just goes up in smoke.
I can't get myself to go running at least once a week, because i don't like it. I always think I should do some stretching exercise or strength training when I have a free moment, but when I do I waste it on stupid things like surfing the net. It's not only that though. I have a ton of books I want to read, but what do I do, read fanfiction on the internet. I've blocked the page now, we shall see how long I last. So far it's three days and counting. There are so many things I want to do, but I hold myself back or I just don't do it! Why is that!? Why is that when I want to do something I keep myself from doing it? I get distracted by the computer and useless websites. Or I get back from school eat a ton of food and then laze about for three hours wasting time. Unable to do anything, because I stuffed myself too much. I'm sick of my own way of doing things.
That's it!!! I've had enough! This time God fucking damn it I'm going to do it!!! I don't care if I suddenly have a craving or if I had a bad day at school. I'm going to moderate. I'm going to stop being so lazy. I'm not saying I'll suddenly do a 180 degrees flip, because sometimes taking a nap after school is really refreshing, but I need to work on my self control. I won't let my body control my actions. Yes, I know that doesn't make sense, but my body is my tool and right now that tool is kinda dull. There's plenty of room for improvement, so while I have the time I'm going to improve myself. Now this is a great place to stop, but there's one more thing I want to get off my chest.
I've been thinking about my life philosophy. I'm not quite sure why I want one, or more like why I'm searching for mine. Maybe it's because in the book I'm reading everyone has something they live for. The main characters philosophy is 'Everything will work out,' but honestly that's just too optimistic for me. I've been thinking about it for a while now, what do I strive for in life? Honestly I wish for an easy going life. One where I have a decent job that pays the bills and I'm not stressing about being layed off or fired. I have a small place to call my own with a view of the sky and i'm not swimming in bank loans. It's not a glamorous, but it would be calm and if I could share that peaceful life with someone. Well I wouldn't mind it. So how do I break that down into my philosophy? How do I remember what i strive towards, no matter how vague or lame it is? Maybe "Working hard will get you where you want to go?" I believe in it and it's something my parents have told me since I was little. They would always say "Work hard during the first 20 years of your life, so that when your old you're not struggling." Or something similar. I took it to heart in elementary school and jr high. Now though I guess I kind of forgot. Here I am ruining my education, because of honestly I don't even know why. I've noticed my mistakes now. Better late than never right?
Next time I see you, I won't be holding myself back.
See you around.
