Tumble

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. It started Friday at first everything was fine. I was perfectly content and excited for Kung Fu training and happily went. It's when I got there that things took a turn for the worst. It was easter weekend, so I didn't expect many people, but I thought there would be more than seven. It meant for a really strange training, where the teacher could easily watch every single one of the students. That's what frightened me the most, the fact that the teacher could easily pick each of us out. There was no hiding in the crowd here, nope everyone was in plain view. I didn't help that this teacher never seemed to like me, we have two teachers. It's not like this teacher has ever done anything that really bothered me it's just his gaze. I know it sounds weird and stupid, but it felt like every time he looked at me he would be disappointed or he'd think I'm a waste of space. I was able to ignore the nerves fluttering through my stomach until we got to sparing. There were to be five quick one minute matches, so everyone would get to spare with each other and then some. I got through the first one well enough, the second one too, but something shook me up after the third one and I ran out of the gym. I headed straight to the changing room where I knew no one would bother me and promptly curled into a ball in the dark room. I'm not sure if I closed my eyes as the shivers ran through my body all I knew was that I was scared. It's just I'm scared of so many things that I don't know what I'm afraid of anymore.
   I'm afraid of peoples eyes staring straight at me. Why can't they look through me?
   I'm afraid of fighting and yet I train Kung Fu, so that I can protect those I care about.
   I'm afraid of speaking out, so I stay quiet, but then people question me.
   I'm afraid to get hurt emotionally. I'd rather get beaten to a pulp then lose my mind.
There are so many things that scare me and I feel like the biggest coward in the world. I'm honestly contemplating about whether or not I should continue to go for Kung Fu training, honestly whats the point if I can't even fight?
That was just Fridays mind suck. Saturday made me void of emotions all together. It was like christmas all over again. All day I felt numb, sad and lonely and this continued onto Sunday too. My face was blank and my eyes empty. My father didn't really question me as to what was wrong. Either he never noticed or he gave me space. Technically it's the holidays and I should be joyful and happy, but truth be told I felt like shit. Tortured by my thoughts: last year there were three of us, two years ago there were four, what's going to happen next year? My mind kept going over and over these thoughts breaking my heart, because honestly I was sick of it all.
I'm so tired of the aching hole in my chest I can't see. This hollow feeling that's killing me. I know it will go down and turn into a dull throb, but for now I can feel it in my heart. It hurt the most Saturday night. Maybe it was because my mother called me and I held and emotionless conversation with her that barely lasted ten minutes. I say emotionless, when really it was wonderful acting skills- fake enthusiasm, curiosity and all that shit. She believed it all and maybe that's what hurt, that she didn't realize I don't care anymore. At one point right when I went to bed the pain was the worst as if my heart disappeared for a few moments. I scramble out of bed then and almost ran for my phone the only person on my mind was my best friend. I stopped though right before I got to my phone and fell to the floor in a crumpled heep. Why should I bother her with my problems when she has her own. It's Easter for god's sake! Let her have a happy life and you should deal with your own problems. Truth is I just wanted to hear her voice, even if it was the answering machine, but at the same time I really wanted to see her.
I wish I had someone here that I could go to and curl up in their laps where for just a few minutes I could forget about the world, all my fucked up problems and everything else. A few minutes of peace where the only thing that matter are me and the person I'm hugging. It's a weakness to want something like this, I know, but sometimes.... Sometimes I wish to have such a person.

Maybe I'll see you around, but I probably won't.