Closing my eyes I can see wisps, swirling lazily about, but there's a strong wind and in a matter of moments the colorful wisps start to mix and form together. Their bright colors and shapeless forms come together to form a multicolored tornado. This is the chaos that I see inside my mind when I enter it. Every night since last week or even earlier then that I'm greeted by a tornado. It was a hurricane last Monday, but by Wednesday I had calmed it down some. I'd like to blame this on my hormones, but I know it's not there fault- it's mine.

   I've made some revelations recently, looked into my mind, thought about some things, noticed others and I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what I'm doing with myself. It feels as if I'm just stumbling along barely keeping up and I'm just so tired of keeping my head above the water. Today has been a particularly terrible day. The only thing that kept me going was the mantra "Nine more years" and my music. If I hadn't had my ipod with me today I would have killed one of my moronic classmates. My head has been pounding since the middle of the day and it's only gotten worse. I'd like nothing more then to scream and shout and break things to let out all of this frustration, confusion- emotion, but even if I did I wouldn't feel any better after it. 

   What I wish for at this very moment is silence and darkness. A room so quite that after a while you can hear your blood rushing through your veins, hear your heart pumping blood. Pair that with a room that makes you blind and maybe I'd finally be able to organize my thoughts, that or go insane from them. 

   Another thing I'd like is for time to just stop. I've noticed that I'm almost constantly looking at the clock, as if I'm in a hurry for something, waiting on someone. It doesn't make any sense. I should be obsessively looking at the clock as if waiting for something to happen, because nothing will! My life feels empty at this time. I don't really live for much or anything and I'm not sure how much longer I can just go on with this monotonous existence. I have my siblings sure, but they live on the other side of the ocean! On is just starting her life. She has a kind boyfriend and is getting ready to leave high school behind and go out into the adult world. The other is too young to even contemplate what it is that I'm thinking about. He's just begging to get his bearings with the world. So no matter how much I write or call it just doesn't fill the void. No matter how many times I look at their initials on my hands I don't feel any better. I just hate these feelings inside me. I'm not sure if it's because of recently identified feelings, my bad grades or just past memories. I think it's past memories, because when I wrote it down I started to tear up. God, I'm so fucked up.

    Five days from now is the anniversary to the stepping stone- my mother left. Why do I call it the stepping stone? It's because that was the beginning move to what I now live with and in. My mother left our family on February 25th 2013, how do I remember the exact date, because it was two days from my birthday. Anyway I'd known about a month earlier, or maybe more, that she was leaving and I was ok with. I still am, hell I'm glad she left. After she left my life calmed down, my brother and father were calmer and we were all more happy. Then we visited her in the summer and I lost my brother and everything's gone haywire from their. I went through the classic phases of losing someone- anger, sadness, depression, anger. I've been constantly going through that cycle for a while now. It stopped for a bit when I showed my sister this page and we grew closer, but it's just not helping anymore.

   Recent events haven't made my mind any lighter. I realized I have a huge crush on a friend at school and I don't know how to squash these feelings. I'm not telling him- there's no fucking way. I just want the feelings to stop, to go away, to leave me alone. I know that there's very little chance we will ever get together and at the moment I have to focus on school, but no. My brain or hormones or whatever they are have decided to add to my frustration, because I apparently don't have enough emotional problems. What's worse is none of this shows on the outside and I'm not sure if I'm bothered by this or not. In one way I'm glad people can't see I'm angry, but in another I wish someone would notice. Someone would see through this disguise, this mask. I don't know what I'm searching for anymore, I don't even know what I'm feeling besides this empty void in my chest that hurts more than any physical wound. 

   I just want to keel over already. I hate my pointless existence. Getting up going to school, doing homework, studying for tests, hanging with friends, practicing the piano, traing kung fu, training parkour, having lessons with tutors. I don't have enough time for all of this. I feel as if I'm breaking down. The worst part is my father doesn't know, he hasn't noticed. Which is a good thing, but sometimes I just want to beat him up. He's cool about my less than stellar grades, but he says I'm not getting good ones anymore because I'm not trying as hard as I used to. When he said this I saw red, but I held my tongue. I wasn't in the mood for talking so I nodded blankly and he went on with his life, while I continue to sit at my desk and curse at the noise coming from the tv. Usually I like it- the noise- today though I wish for silence inside and out. 

   There are so many things I want to do and yet I just don't have the energy sometimes. I wish I would study german words, that way I wouldn't be struggling with the class as much, but I'm so tired of german. So sick of not understanding, of learning words then forgetting them a few weeks later that I don't even know what to do with the language. Ever since we've started trigonometry in math I've cursed the teacher on an hourly basis along with my class. I just can't keep up. The fact that I have a history test looming over my shoulder and it's my worst subject doesn't help me at all. Just like the physics test I have next week, along with the english, math and every other subject that decided to make next week the worst in the history of my school year. 

   I want to do good in school, better then I did last semester with my C plus average grades. I'd like to bring them up to a B plus, but I feel as if I'm in quicksand. No matter how much effort I'm putting into school I'm getting worse effects then when I put in close to no effort. All I know is that I'm driving myself mad. My body is sluggish, just like my brain and I just don't know any more. I've had enough of all of this of everything and this semester started just last month. 

I wish to become invisible.

I wish people would stop expecting things from me.

I wish I could straighten myself out.

I wish I could sleep without dreams. 

To top it all off- my birthday is next week and the thing I want most of all lives on the other side of the ocean and will forever be out of my reach. Words of advice: Never under appreciate what it is that you have, because once it's gone you will regret it. At this very moment my biggest regret is not hugging my brother tightly and whispering those three sappy words into his ear.      

I probably won't see you around.